Finding Peace

It might seem counterintuitive, but sometimes I have to look for peace. Peace, which for me is a quiet of soul more than it is a lack of noise or mess, can easily get lost in the chaos of life. This means I have to intentionally seek it out, especially when life plops me in a situation ripe for reflection and soul-rest.

That’s what happened this week. Work took me to California to attend a training event with a group of other Chaplains from my denomination. I arrived around noon on Sunday, picked up my rental car, and got checked into my hotel. Part of me just wanted to sit in the room and read or watch Netflix. Sometimes just being alone can bring peace to an introvert’s soul.

But I was also only 25 minutes from Newport Beach and the vast expanse of the Pacific. I brought my Fugifilm X100F with me on the trip thinking I might get a chance to take some pictures. Despite being tired, I jumped in my janky little Nissan Versa rental and drove down to the beach.

For a while I just walked out on the pier and watched the water and the people playing in the warm sun. I thought about snapping a few pictures, but the light wasn’t right. I debated about staying for sunset and decided to stay. Not just for the pictures but for the peace. Have you ever watched the sun sink slowly toward the horizon of the Pacific? There’s nothing quite like that view.

I picked a spot on the beach and sat down. I snapped a few pictures of the pier as the light changed.

Nothing special about the pictures, but the light was starting to look magnificent.

Then…it happened. The waiting paid off as the sun set behind a bank of clouds. The wait was worth it.

And there it was. I didn’t realize until I got back to my room and was editing on my iPad that I had not just a sunset picture, but a picture with a distant boat slowly traversing the horizon. As I edited the picture and saw the final result, I was struck that not only had I found a few moments of peace on the shoreline of the Pacific, but had managed to capture a photo that helps me recapture some of those same feelings every time I look at it.

Photos are weird like that. The really good ones can take you to a different time and a different place. They can MAKE you feel. This picture does that for me. I found peace not just in observing a beautiful sunset, but also in a photo I captured of the event.

This photo is now the background on my phone, and every time I pause to look at it, it reminds me of quiet, beauty, and peace.

Where do you go to find peace?

2019 - A year of profound thankfulness, soul-searching, and healing

The cliche is true. The years just keep going by fast. Maybe it is because we are packing more and more life into the same 365 days. Whatever it is, 2019 went by quickly.

Let me expand a little bit on the title of this post. We began 2019 as a newly minted family of six having just welcomed a new baby (and our first girl) in November of 2018. That change from five to six brought the challenges of once again adapting to life with a new baby. Thankfully, Gemma proved to be that elusive baby that, up to that point, we had only heard about. SHE SLEPT! None of our kids slept through the night until they were weaned but little Gemma was sleeping like a champ shortly after we brought her home. That meant more sleep and less crankiness for everyone who shared a room with her during her first few months of life.

In all the busyness of my work and school detailed below, Laura has done the tireless and often thankless work of running our home. Beyond the work of raising four children, she is homeschooling our oldest two and continuing to plug away on her writing. 2019 saw her reach a huge milestone in her writing career as one of her short stories was published in a physical book! You can go to Amazon right now and buy a copy of this book so that someday you can say you own the first book where L.G. McCary was published! Also, if you want to keep up with Laura and her writing journey the best ways to do that are to follow her author page on Facebook and go to her website and subscribe to her email newsletter. She will be publishing her annual winter short story soon and you won’t want to miss it!

In 2019, one of the things I’ve been most thankful for has been my work in my unit. I have been extremely blessed with supportive leadership and a wonderful team of people to work with. The year started with a rainy and muddy field exercise, then another exercise in Indiana in April, then a couple of months in Kentucky supporting Cadet Summer Training, and then a fall packed with classes and activities. I’ve pushed myself this year to expand the reach of the Unit Ministry Team beyond the typical areas the Chaplain usually operates and to develop classes and mentoring opportunities for leaders in the unit. This played out in a professional development event at Johnson Space Center and a four-session moral leadership class based on David Brooks' book, The Road to Character. I come to the end of 2019 as excited as I’ve ever been about unit ministry and looking forward to what the next 18 months in the unit will bring.

2019 also brought a very big first for our family and for me personally. For the first time in my life, I’m living in a house owned by my family. Everywhere I’ve lived since childhood has been in a home owned by someone else. Whether that was in houses on the farm owned by my Grandparents, a parsonage, an apartment, or military housing, I went 35 years before I could say I was living in a home my immediate family owned. In the middle of my being gone to Kentucky, Laura went househunting and found a home that we subsequently bought and she moved us into (can you say rockstar?). So this Christmas we are spending our holiday in a home that we own. This little postage stamp size lot in Texas isn’t much, but it is ours. We know that the Army won’t let us stay here long and really put down roots, but it gives us hope for the day when we finally can find a place to settle in longterm.

Another big happening in 2019 was starting a doctoral program through Midwestern Baptist Theological Seminary. There were a couple years of fits and starts where I applied and was accepted to programs at Gateway and Liberty before settling on this program. I’ve now completed one seminar and started a second as I work toward a D.MIN in Worldview and Apologetics. I’m thankful this was the program that I settled on. I have already learned so much that is directly relevant to my day to day work and that has started giving me more philosophical, theological, and intellectual tools to engage the things I see every day.

Now what about the soul-searching and healing? Since coming to Texas in 2018, it has become clear to our family that we have a lot of unresolved trauma related to childhood experiences and especially my pastoral tenure in Kansas. This clearly affected Laura and me but we’ve also now really started to see how it has affected our children. These are scars that we have carried for years and issues that have always bubbled under the surface but the constant stress of military life, the changes in outlook that come with parenting, and the opportunity to reflect that comes with time and distance, all came together to help us realize that there was some stuff in our lives that we needed to sort out. I won’t spill it all on a blog, but you can ask Laura or myself and we will gladly share more about it with you in person. The bottom line is that we realized that sometimes the helpers have to ask for help. I share that not to air laundry but hopefully to encourage some of you that it is okay if you need help. Being a Christian does not exempt you from trauma or give you magical tools to make trauma disappear. However, being a Christian does give you a community and resources within that community to help you process and walk through trauma. That’s what we’ve spent a lot of 2019 doing: processing and walking through past trauma and, hopefully, moving toward healing.

We are looking forward to 2020 and wish you all the best this coming year!

Recent Film Favorites

Over the past few months, I have put several more rolls of film through my cameras. I have really enjoyed the process. The last set of film I sent off to be developed had some rolls there were several months old so it was fun to revisit them and finally see the results.

Currently, my go-to films stocks are Kodak Portra 400 and Ilford HP5+. Although I also have some Ilford Pan F 50 images in here. I found a website that sends out a mystery film stock every month for $15. Yes, it’s a little bit expensive but it helps support the website and it’s a fun surprise to get the package every month.

In the gallery below, the last two images were taken with the Pan F stock. That was a very interesting stock to work with due to how slow it is. It was a moderately overcast day in Washington D.C. when I took the pictures and even outdoors, they are still pretty dark!

Cameras:

Canon AE-1 w/ 50mm 1.4

Nikon One Touch (I shot the Pan F in this camera)

Rediscovering Film

It started a couple of years ago when the Fugifilm X100F caught my eye. It was a digital camera styled after old rangefinder cameras. It had a fixed lens and featured a number of film simulations that would process photos to look like a particular type of film stock. The simplicity of the camera appealed to me. It reminded me of when I was learning to shoot on my Dad’s old Minolta. It was an SLR but I only ever used the 50mm lens so it might as well have been a fixed lens.

I ended up purchasing the X100F and it has been my go to camera ever since. The compact size and fixed lens simplicity helped me focus more on the shot and less on making sure I had the right piece of kit.

Fast forward to the spring of 2019…

Maybe it’s just nostalgia as I’m now closer to 40 than I am to 30. Maybe it’s the realization that unless I expose my kids to the world of film photography they’ll probably grow up without knowing what it is. Maybe it was the film simulations in my X100F quietly encouraging me with each photo to get back to the real thing rather than a digital imitation. Whatever it was, this spring I went on Ebay to hunt down an inexpensive film camera to see if this was more than just a passing moment of nostalgia.

I purchased a little Konica C35AF. In researching it before purchase, I found out the C35 line had one of the earliest autofocus systems and it sounded like exactly what I wanted to test the waters of film photography. Thankfully, the little plastic camera that shipped from a seller in Japan functioned perfectly. Sure it had some light leaks but there was just something about loading that film for the first time in decades, depressing the shutter release and hearing the mechanical “twang,” and then experiencing both the sound and the feel of winding the film after taking a shot. Not to mention the weeks of arduous waiting from the moment of taking a shot to seeing the developed photo courtesy of The Darkroom lab in California.

And maybe that’s why I’ve felt the draw to film again. My world is increasingly digital. The words I’m typing now are data on a server farm somewhere. Digital images, from the moment of snapping the photo, are all bits and bytes processed in a computer in my camera and then further in a computer on my desk. Even the images I have developed from my film are scanned and uploaded. But there’s something about popping open that Ilford HP5+ film canister and loading it up. There’s something about depressing the shutter and then winding the film once or twice to make sure it has taken correctly. There’s something almost counter-cultural about having to WAIT weeks to see an image. My kids will often leap behind me after I take a picture of them with the Konica or my recently purchased Canon AE-1 so that they can “see” the picture and I have to explain that it will be a little while before we can see the developed film.

So whatever it is: nostalgia, a subtle push back against the increasing digitization of everything, or just a simple desire to share something from my childhood with my own kids, I’m thankful that film is still there. I’m thankful for the local camera shops continuing to service old film cameras, and I’m thankful that I can go back to my roots and enjoy both the incredible photography technology available today and also the analog joys from decades past.

Week 9 - Mood

This was another photo from my work trip to California. I only had my iPhone 8 Plus with me during the visit to the beach. Sometimes, in moments like this, I find myself wishing I had one of my other cameras but I wonder if I would have even thought about taking this shot? I was walking back to my car after enjoying a stroll out on the pier and turned back to take one last look at the ocean and the beach. That was when I noticed the life guard stand and the lone figure sitting on the stand and gazing out over the vast expanse of the ocean.

I grabbed my phone and captured this photo. Later in the evening, I edited it in Snapseed. Again this was done on my phone. This 12 mp photo might not have the detail of the same shot taken with my X100F, but I absolutely love how it turned out. This just proves, once again, the best camera is the one you have with you. It also reminds me that the thing that keeps me upgrading my phones is not better performance or bigger screens but improving cameras.

Dogwood 2019 Week 8 - Leading Lines

I love the beach. I grew up in Southeastern Washington State. We were a good five hours from the coast but visits to the Oregon Coast for family vacations are some of my fondest childhood memories. My family spent a few years living near Savannah, GA and really enjoyed the Georgia and northern Florida coastal areas as well.

Last month, work brought me to Santa Ana for a few a days. One of the first things I did after getting checked into my hotel was to drive west until I found the ocean. There’s something about the Pacific that feels like coming home. Even though I have no memories of visiting the CA coast as a kid, there’s a quiet peace that I feel when I’m near the Pacific.

As always, the best camera is the one you have with you. In this case it was my iPhone 8 Plus. I snapped this photo from the pier in Santa Ana on a pretty quiet Sunday afternoon and edited it on my phone. I’m already looking forward to the next time I can put my feet into some Pacific coast sand.

Dogwood 2019 Week 7 - Love Story

For this week the challenge was to take an image that told a story of love. My first attempts at this photo were to take a picture of my wife and I. They were pretty basic. Just the two of us standing in front of a bare wall in our office. After submitting that to the Dogwood Chatter Facebook group from some constructive criticism and realizing it was not a great photo, I decided to try something else.

Last year our family welcomed a new baby. She was our fourth child and our first girl. We absolutely love our boys but there is something very special about welcoming a baby girl into our family after having three little boys. So I decided to try to capture an image that conveyed a bit of what it is like for me as a new “girl dad.” I ended up with an image I absolutely love and it echoes an image I took for a previous year of the challenge using the hands of my wife and I which I will post below.

Dogwood 2019 Week 6 - No Filter (SOOC)

The no filter, straight-out-of-camera, weeks of the Dogwood challenges always cause a bit of anxiety. Create a compelling image with no post-processing. Interestingly, this is one of the main why I purchased a Fugifilm X100F. I love the idea behind their film simulations which process JPGs to looks like different classic film styles. In particular I loved the Acros simulations which render images in gorgeous black and white.

Before taking this photo I dug into the settings on my X100F and set the JPG processing how I wanted it. I used an Acros film simulation and added some additional grain into the processing for a more film-like look. Once I had everything set, I grabbed my son and we went outside to a place that had decent light and I started snapping pictures. I really like the photo I ended up with and I feel it captures my oldest son well.

Once again, there was nothing particularly special about the setting of this photo. This was taken in our backyard and the wall is our carport. Good lighting, a willing participant, and a wonderful film simulation made this photo work for me.

Dogwood 2019 Week 5 - Symmetry in Landscape

This week was tough. I didn’t have a lot of extra time to get out and shoot. What usually happens when I’m pressed for time is I grab one of my kids or I head outside and go for a walk. Where I lived previously there was a wonderful park and an old barn that I photographed from many different angles for various weeks of the 2017 and 2018 challenge. That option is no longer available so I found myself circling my neighborhood trying to find something that sparked creativity and at least somewhat fit with the theme for the week.

I gave up.

I was walking home to shelve this week and revisit it in a more scenic location when I turned and looked over my shoulder at the sidewalk where I’d been walking. That’s when I saw it. The fence, grass, sidewalk, grass, and road all in a line and forming contrasting areas of light and dark. I got down on my knee and took the photo that would become my week 5 entry. I’ve looked at this sidewalk dozens of times and never saw a photograph until the day I took this one. Looking at everyday things with a more creative eye is one of the reasons these weekly challenges have helped me grow as a photographer.

The Sidewalk

Dogwood 2019 Week 4 - Warmth

Over the last couple of years I feel like I’ve started to come into my own stylistically. For a long time my editing would vary dramatically from image to image as I played with actions and presets. When I started doing challenges and following the work of other photographers, I found a few that I really liked and started trying to develop my own style based on what appealed to me creatively.

This has led to a lot of black and white images. This image is pretty representative of where I am right now stylistically. I like black and white because it makes me think a lot about lighting and contrast and how to maximize those in my images to achieve a desired mood. Also, when I purchased a Fugifilm X100F, I fell in love with the Acros (black and white) film simulations and often preview my images with those simulations engaged.

This is my middle son in a little cubby below the stairs in our house. It was a challenge getting him to hold the lantern “just so” to achieve the right balance of light and shadow but I think the end result turned out pretty well.

Dogwood 2019 Week 3 - Black and White

As you can probably tell from looking at my portfolio on the front page of my website, I love shooting in black and white. The camera I shoot with the most, the Fugifilm X100F, encourages this with its Acros film simulations. Even when I shoot in RAW, I can effectively preview the image in BW by shooting with that simulation turned on.

This photo was taken on the same evening as my week two photo. I had two of my boys outside running around trying to capture a picture that showed motion when I noticed the sun setting in the background and positioned my son to catch it as he posed with his super hero mask on. He is such an expressive kiddo and loves to ham it up for the camera.

Dogwood 2019 Week 2 - Rule of Thirds: Motion

“Man,” I thought, “If only I could use some pictures from last year.” Last year I had a bunch of great pictures of metro trains in motion thanks to where we were living at the time. This year presented no such opportunity. But if there are some people in my life who are in almost constant motion: my three kids.

This photo features the middle son. We went out into the yard and I simply told him to run toward me and past me. I used my fastest lens and put it on burst mode. This was the photo I felt best captured the spirit of his playful attitude and met the intent of the challenge for the week. I chose to edit this with a little less color because I felt it made it look kind of like and action/super hero movie.

Dogwood 2019 Week 1 - Self Portrait Without Showing Face

This is my third year participating in the Dogwood challenge. The first year I completed the challenge. The second year I got through about 2/3 of the challenge weeks. I’m giving it another go this year because it forces me to step outside my comfort zone and also to be intentional about getting out and shooting whenever I can. I’m a little behind posting images here since I started this website after the challenge started but I will be posting my backlog of images until I catch up.

For this week, the challenge was to take a self portrait and not show your face. Since I’m fond of hats, I wanted to figure out a way to wear a hat in the picture. This is my newest hat from my favorite hat shop: Goorin Bro’s.

The Metro

When I lived in the Washington D.C. area one of my favorite things to do was to photograph Metro trains. Maybe it’s because I grew up in the country. Maybe it’s because there’s just something about the lights and shadows of underground stations. Whatever the reason, I loved taking pictures of these great metal beasts.